I am feeling overly apprehensive lately; so much that I seem to live under dark clouds and the flood lights are all too bright.
If I write the things I am grateful about, well I begin to feel positive energy?
10 things I am grateful about:
- A husband and a child whom I love and are the best persons in this world.
- A comfortable house with a back yard where my child can roam around safely; with a fire pit where my husband and I and friends can enjoy; appliances in excellent condition.
- A beautiful kitchen.
- A jogging stroller that is safe for my child and comfortable to push.
- A set of skills that allow me to navigate this adult world with fair ease.
- A set of hobbies that allow me to enjoy myself with crafts, arts, and cooking.
- A guaranteed (somewhat) to stay in this country and an ability to make a living.
- A financial situation that is not perfect but not struggling to put food on table.
- A few friends within driving distance that I can open myself to.
But I still worry. I still feel anxious. I feel we don’t have enough money to save each month; I am afraid my child will not fit in, will get bullied; will fall behind socially; will hate school. I can only do so much to protect and prevent horrible things from happening.
I don’t feel confident that I have the knowledge (and skill) to help my child grow confidence and walk comfortably. And also that my perception of this lack in skill and confidence maybe incorrect. That I give myself too little credit.
When I was working, the self-doubt tends to be low. Now I stay home, and I need to rebuild my social circle. It is hard. My husband often reminded me not to take other moms’ reaction too personally because a large portion of the friendship depends on whether it benefits their child. That it is their children’s interests that they have at heart.
My friend YYC reminded me – I do not need to engage in the mom social circle. I do not need to make new friends just because I am a stay home. I should be whom I want to be and I should feel confident doing so.