One step and another

Some days I feel thankful. Other days, I feel like sh*t. I called them “raining shits” as in raining cats and dogs.

What makes me feel better, always, is progress. The steps of getting things done. Even tiny things, it makes me feel so much better. It really does.

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Ten

I am feeling overly apprehensive lately; so much that I seem to live under dark clouds and the flood lights are all too bright.

If I write the things I am grateful about, well I begin to feel positive energy?

10 things I am grateful about:

  1. A husband and a child whom I love and are the best persons in this world.
  2. A comfortable house with a back yard where my child can roam around safely; with a fire pit where my husband and I and friends can enjoy; appliances in excellent condition.
  3. A beautiful kitchen.
  4. A jogging stroller that is safe for my child and comfortable to push.
  5. A set of skills that allow me to navigate this adult world with fair ease.
  6. A set of hobbies that allow me to enjoy myself with crafts, arts, and cooking.
  7. A guaranteed (somewhat) to stay in this country and an ability to make a living.
  8. A financial situation that is not perfect but not struggling to put food on table.
  9. A few friends within driving distance that I can open myself to.

 

But I still worry. I still feel anxious. I feel we don’t have enough money to save each month; I am afraid my child will not fit in, will get bullied; will fall behind socially; will hate school. I can only do so much to protect and prevent horrible things from happening.

I don’t feel confident that I have the knowledge (and skill) to help my child grow confidence and walk comfortably. And also that my perception of this lack in skill and confidence maybe incorrect. That I give myself too little credit.

When I was working, the self-doubt tends to be low. Now I stay home, and I need to rebuild my social circle. It is hard. My husband often reminded me not to take other moms’ reaction too personally because a large portion of the friendship depends on whether it benefits their child. That it is their children’s interests that they have at heart.

My friend YYC reminded me – I do not need to engage in the mom social circle. I do not need to make new friends just because I am a stay home. I should be whom I want to be and I should feel confident doing so.

 

via Daily Prompt: Ten

Children Learn What They Live (Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.)

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

 

http://www.empowermentresources.com/info2/childrenlearn-long_version.html

Invitation

First, this is an invitation to write. I’ve been suffering from procrastination (?), laziness (?), writer’s block (?) …none of above? It just so appeared that ideas and sentences formed in mind at all time when I am around chasing a child and then when I finally sit down at the end of the day…

The second came to mind is the invitation (followed by pressure) of mommy clan and whatnot. You see, the combination of an introvert mom and a high-need child is not the best when it comes to social setting. Do I say yes to activities? But in all honestly my child is too young to care for playdate. Do I say no? But then I have no social circle beyond my child and spouse. And hence the pressure.

Apprehensive

This is the word that has been on my mind, actually.

“If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.”*

I have been thinking about my childhood a lot these days. This has brought on enormous emotions, an alphabet soup if you well. Mostly resentment.

Where should I start?

Verbally abusive father or passive aggressive mother?

The fact that I am in my mid 30s and still haunted by the past memories?

That I vividly remember even before 10 years of age (maybe at 7), I thought life did not worth living (for whatever my father had said/done to me)?

This is like a skein of yarn that was tugged midway and wrong way. You can’t wind. You can’t unwind. Now. Today. Tomorrow. Is (and I’m sure it is) an invitation for me to provide my child a positive environment.

Yet, the past haunts me.

For my father has always claimed (and proudly) that he raised us not like his parents and gave us better (of everything). I suppose that is true but perhaps not enough. My biggest fear is I am blinded-sighted by the unknown (to me, not necessarily to others).

Parenting- just one piece of the apprehensive soup…

then there are other adult things…

 

* Canfield, J. & Wells, H. C. (1976). 100 ways to enhance self-concept in the classroom: A handbook for teachers and patents. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.