First, this is an invitation to write. I’ve been suffering from procrastination (?), laziness (?), writer’s block (?) …none of above? It just so appeared that ideas and sentences formed in mind at all time when I am around chasing a child and then when I finally sit down at the end of the day…
The second came to mind is the invitation (followed by pressure) of mommy clan and whatnot. You see, the combination of an introvert mom and a high-need child is not the best when it comes to social setting. Do I say yes to activities? But in all honestly my child is too young to care for playdate. Do I say no? But then I have no social circle beyond my child and spouse. And hence the pressure.
This is the word that has been on my mind, actually.
“If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.”*
I have been thinking about my childhood a lot these days. This has brought on enormous emotions, an alphabet soup if you well. Mostly resentment.
Where should I start?
Verbally abusive father or passive aggressive mother?
The fact that I am in my mid 30s and still haunted by the past memories?
That I vividly remember even before 10 years of age (maybe at 7), I thought life did not worth living (for whatever my father had said/done to me)?
This is like a skein of yarn that was tugged midway and wrong way. You can’t wind. You can’t unwind. Now. Today. Tomorrow. Is (and I’m sure it is) an invitation for me to provide my child a positive environment.
Yet, the past haunts me.
For my father has always claimed (and proudly) that he raised us not like his parents and gave us better (of everything). I suppose that is true but perhaps not enough. My biggest fear is I am blinded-sighted by the unknown (to me, not necessarily to others).
Parenting- just one piece of the apprehensive soup…
then there are other adult things…
* Canfield, J. & Wells, H. C. (1976). 100 ways to enhance self-concept in the classroom: A handbook for teachers and patents. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.